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"So what do you do now?" -- "Oh Really?"

In the past two years, and every time I go home, I usually run into people and people that I haven't met in a while. I get the question, "So what do you do now?" To answer this question I usually say, "Well, I teach." The phrase, "I teach." Has so many open thoughts to the on-looker to whom you told. At that moment when I say, "I teach," I can tell they are judging and piercing their eyes through my eyes with a twitch of confusion thinking, "Oh? Really?" "Do you still want to be a doctor like your dad?" Perhaps these are the most innocent questions to ask and at the same time, the most harrowing questions.

I normally don't give the explanation that I'm with Teach for America. For one, it's very difficult to convince people that what you're doing is of importance and that we should all recognize it. Second, people tend to zone out after the 1st two minutes because they want to hear your horrors in the classroom. To those who understand where I live or come from (Oklahoma), I've noticed that the idea of public service is lost among regions in the US. For one you're taught nearly to fend for yourself and do whatever is necessary to become successful. Second teaching is not one of those things in which my family and others regard as one the "successful" professions.

The problem with teaching is that it's not recognized as a profession of prestige. You tell people you're a lawyer and the immediate reaction is "Wow, what firm?" You tell people you're a doctor, the immediate reaction is, "Amazing, what hospital?" You tell people you're a teacher, "Oh, that's nice. well good for you!" as if you what you're doing is the lowest of the lows and you could do nothing better.

Maybe it's just me, and the culture and environment in which I grew up in, but what really frustrates me is the extent to which the teaching profession is never recognized as an honorable position.

Even though I really do have a soft-spot for these students, I am not the person to automatically succumb to the idea that what I do has less meaning than other professions. This is by far the most difficult job one can ever do. And when or if I do become a doctor, lawyer, banker, consultant, my opinion on this matter will become even more valid and more recognized.

I take care of nearly 70 students. Do I absolutely want to ring some of my students around the neck? Absolutely! But at at the same time, I know if they are dangerously in trouble with their lives or at home, I would be the first one to help them.

To all those I tell my story and how much I dislike what I'm doing. It's true. I do dislike my job but that doesn't mean I'm giving up on what I do. Sometimes it is difficult to care for these kids who cuss up a storm to you or who are blatantly disrespectful. For some they don't know any better and for others, they simply don't care where they go. But for those who you can see that want to know better, I am the first ones to be there for them.

I only have (depends) only 5 more months left in my Teach for America commitment. Will I go back to teaching? Probably not. Will I regard teaching, especially in the urban environment sa respectful and a job just as worthy as any other competitive profession, absolutely. It's difficult to propel this type of profession as a job worth doing, but now knowing the struggles of the urban classroom, I've come to respect what it means to be a teacher in the most difficult areas of the country.

So what do I do now? Well, I teach because I care.

Red Bull

Tonight is a Red Bull night. Lesson Planning and Hopkins presentations.

Hopkins

This experience would be so much better if I didn't have Hopkins work. Lets see....a 3 page paper over differentiation, action research final paper, poster presentation on wed, lab safety lesson plan, another paper for on research. This is all due in the next 3 days. Lets not forget to grade papers, lesson plan for this week. 1st year teaching = horrible.

Racial border line?

So, just to show you how some kids can be ignorant (as many kids can be in general)....today was the first day I that the whole, "Ching, chang, chong..." thing really bothered me. Yah know, how kids try to say some dumb shit when they want to act Chinese. I had to write the kid(s) a referral. It set the whole mood of the class off. Kids didn't learn. I was pissed off when I was teaching. Of course the kids don't think anything of it because they're, well, kids. How do you teach cultural diversity to urban kids? I had to say in class, "Sorry for the interruption for some ignorance in the class" in a very mocking tone.

Baltimore kids...you would think after 15 years of TFA teachers, the kids would get better. Apparently not.

And it's only Tuesday....someone please console me.

Almost done

Listen, so it's not like I don't believe in what I'm doing, because I do. It's the frustration that comes with it. It's the severe doubt from your students. It's the constant lack of total respect from your students that gets to teachers in Baltimore. I'm not only speaking for myself. Look, when you get so many "Fuck you!" only because a student can't sit in his seat or stop talking after applying some kind of threat...that's when this gets tiring. And when the student's lack accountability because they're, of course, NEVER at fault for anything that's when you begin to think, "seriously, who do these kids think they are?" And often times, especially since it's nearing the end of the year and they always ask me for a pencil, that's when I think, "Has anything gotten through to them? They need to be responsible for their own things!?" It seems as though I need to be teaching social skills more so than Chemistry or Environmental Science.

I guess teaching really is a thankless job. These kids have no idea what we do to plan these lessons for them, even though some of them may be boring for them. If only I could fast forward their lives to show them what an education can do for them, maybe things would turn around.

Teaching is great, I don't mind it at all. In fact, this challenge of teaching in an urban area, especially in Baltimore has really thickened my backbone. But sometimes, I wonder...how much of an impact am I really making?

So tired.

Oh man. The kids hate me. Apparently I'm always the topic of conversation among the kids. It's getting malicious. It's the 9th grade girls who just can't act normal anyways. Not like this is an excuse or anything but they're the lowest tracked kids.