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"So what do you do now?" -- "Oh Really?"

In the past two years, and every time I go home, I usually run into people and people that I haven't met in a while. I get the question, "So what do you do now?" To answer this question I usually say, "Well, I teach." The phrase, "I teach." Has so many open thoughts to the on-looker to whom you told. At that moment when I say, "I teach," I can tell they are judging and piercing their eyes through my eyes with a twitch of confusion thinking, "Oh? Really?" "Do you still want to be a doctor like your dad?" Perhaps these are the most innocent questions to ask and at the same time, the most harrowing questions.

I normally don't give the explanation that I'm with Teach for America. For one, it's very difficult to convince people that what you're doing is of importance and that we should all recognize it. Second, people tend to zone out after the 1st two minutes because they want to hear your horrors in the classroom. To those who understand where I live or come from (Oklahoma), I've noticed that the idea of public service is lost among regions in the US. For one you're taught nearly to fend for yourself and do whatever is necessary to become successful. Second teaching is not one of those things in which my family and others regard as one the "successful" professions.

The problem with teaching is that it's not recognized as a profession of prestige. You tell people you're a lawyer and the immediate reaction is "Wow, what firm?" You tell people you're a doctor, the immediate reaction is, "Amazing, what hospital?" You tell people you're a teacher, "Oh, that's nice. well good for you!" as if you what you're doing is the lowest of the lows and you could do nothing better.

Maybe it's just me, and the culture and environment in which I grew up in, but what really frustrates me is the extent to which the teaching profession is never recognized as an honorable position.

Even though I really do have a soft-spot for these students, I am not the person to automatically succumb to the idea that what I do has less meaning than other professions. This is by far the most difficult job one can ever do. And when or if I do become a doctor, lawyer, banker, consultant, my opinion on this matter will become even more valid and more recognized.

I take care of nearly 70 students. Do I absolutely want to ring some of my students around the neck? Absolutely! But at at the same time, I know if they are dangerously in trouble with their lives or at home, I would be the first one to help them.

To all those I tell my story and how much I dislike what I'm doing. It's true. I do dislike my job but that doesn't mean I'm giving up on what I do. Sometimes it is difficult to care for these kids who cuss up a storm to you or who are blatantly disrespectful. For some they don't know any better and for others, they simply don't care where they go. But for those who you can see that want to know better, I am the first ones to be there for them.

I only have (depends) only 5 more months left in my Teach for America commitment. Will I go back to teaching? Probably not. Will I regard teaching, especially in the urban environment sa respectful and a job just as worthy as any other competitive profession, absolutely. It's difficult to propel this type of profession as a job worth doing, but now knowing the struggles of the urban classroom, I've come to respect what it means to be a teacher in the most difficult areas of the country.

So what do I do now? Well, I teach because I care.

Red Bull

Tonight is a Red Bull night. Lesson Planning and Hopkins presentations.

Hopkins

This experience would be so much better if I didn't have Hopkins work. Lets see....a 3 page paper over differentiation, action research final paper, poster presentation on wed, lab safety lesson plan, another paper for on research. This is all due in the next 3 days. Lets not forget to grade papers, lesson plan for this week. 1st year teaching = horrible.

Racial border line?

So, just to show you how some kids can be ignorant (as many kids can be in general)....today was the first day I that the whole, "Ching, chang, chong..." thing really bothered me. Yah know, how kids try to say some dumb shit when they want to act Chinese. I had to write the kid(s) a referral. It set the whole mood of the class off. Kids didn't learn. I was pissed off when I was teaching. Of course the kids don't think anything of it because they're, well, kids. How do you teach cultural diversity to urban kids? I had to say in class, "Sorry for the interruption for some ignorance in the class" in a very mocking tone.

Baltimore kids...you would think after 15 years of TFA teachers, the kids would get better. Apparently not.

And it's only Tuesday....someone please console me.

Almost done

Listen, so it's not like I don't believe in what I'm doing, because I do. It's the frustration that comes with it. It's the severe doubt from your students. It's the constant lack of total respect from your students that gets to teachers in Baltimore. I'm not only speaking for myself. Look, when you get so many "Fuck you!" only because a student can't sit in his seat or stop talking after applying some kind of threat...that's when this gets tiring. And when the student's lack accountability because they're, of course, NEVER at fault for anything that's when you begin to think, "seriously, who do these kids think they are?" And often times, especially since it's nearing the end of the year and they always ask me for a pencil, that's when I think, "Has anything gotten through to them? They need to be responsible for their own things!?" It seems as though I need to be teaching social skills more so than Chemistry or Environmental Science.

I guess teaching really is a thankless job. These kids have no idea what we do to plan these lessons for them, even though some of them may be boring for them. If only I could fast forward their lives to show them what an education can do for them, maybe things would turn around.

Teaching is great, I don't mind it at all. In fact, this challenge of teaching in an urban area, especially in Baltimore has really thickened my backbone. But sometimes, I wonder...how much of an impact am I really making?

So tired.

Oh man. The kids hate me. Apparently I'm always the topic of conversation among the kids. It's getting malicious. It's the 9th grade girls who just can't act normal anyways. Not like this is an excuse or anything but they're the lowest tracked kids.

Do I suck?

Am I a bad teacher? I dunno, I think I am...so...whatever. My kids hate me.

Teaching is a losing battle

Teaching is a losing battle. At this point in my 6 month teaching career, I've come to realize that you can almost never win whenever it comes to teaching. Your students will perceive as hateful (which may be true at this point), your students will not listen (which is also true at this point), and sometimes parents and administration appear to question your management and teaching abilities.

At this point, teaching has been the most miserable experience of my life. No longer do I believe in this education gap, but also, no longer do I believe in what I'm doing to save it. Why have I become so cynical and negative towards the education system? Well, for one, the education system isn't totally at fault here. We all say that the kids here are disenfranchised and they don't have opportunities outside of their surroundings. Okay, true, I understand that. And to a SMALL degree, that's true. But what many people fail to realize is, the system is only that small part as to why young black kids do not receive the proper educaction. I dare to say, the kids are at fault...the kids disenfranchise themselves. I do everything within my power to give the kid kids what they need. What good have I done here? Most of the kids don't fucking care at all.

Whatever...I have to fucking plan for yet another lesson where kids will destroy.

Friday

One of my students is having a hard time. I think the student had family issues. But what's really mind-blowing is near the end of the day, the student was arrested. I have no idea what the situation was, but it was really sad to see and HEAR. All I heard was in a screaming and crying voice, "Get off of me! Get the hell away from me! [crying] No..stop, I can't breathe!" The student was not a delinquent of any kind. Having some difficult times for sure. In my chemistry class, rarely, because the student has a baby. I dunno, Baltimore is a really difficult city to teach in.

Home for Christmas...thank God!

Time to go home and reflect on how I'm doing. Country-side, here I come!

Picked Up.

So it was funny...

I saw one of my students this morning walking downtown towards the bus stop. It was 8:00 AM by this time. I was like, "WTF! He's suppose to be at school!" As he was crossing the crosswalk, literally walking in front of my car, I screamed out window, "Get in here!" He was going to be late to school because he was going towards Lexington Market to get some food for him and friends to eat at school before getting to school. Oh man, it was strange. Of course I gave him the teacher scold for him of going to school on time. Personally, if I wasn't a teacher, I wouldn't care. I was actually laughing inside. Hey, these are my kids from Baltimore. What other city can allow you the joys of seeing your students walking in the morning and then eventually picking him up to school? "Oh Baltimore."

My Kids

Wow, it's amazing how comfortable my kids are talking about their problems.

Student: Yeah my father died a couple days ago, Mr Tsai, how you doing today?
Me: Good, sorry to hear about your father.
Student: Thanks Mr Tsai, [merrily walks away].

Student: My brother got killed because gangs thought he was snitching.
Me: Wow really?! What happened?
Student: They thought he was snitching, they ganged up on him, and shot him once. He fell on the ground then shot him again while on the ground.
Me: Are you okay? How long ago was this?
Student: 2 years ago.
Me: You sad about it? I'd still be sad
Student: Yeah, I mean, I'm fine [perfectly fine, no remorse]
Me: (thinking, this is crazy)

How unfair

• How unfair is it that a teacher like myself comes into an urban school, where great kids have the most potential, and that I'm the only one that wants to teach them?
• How unfair is it that the one of the avenues for them to get out of their undeserving situations at home is through a poorly structure education system?
• How unfair is it that I push myself so much that my kids still don't get all that they deserve?
• How unfair is it that people are entirely afraid to teach in an urban city just because they fear the potential safety concerns, when all the kids want is your attention?

These, among other questions, are the question I go through each day after I teach in school. It's such a shame that teachers like myself who really want to teach in an urban school are going through the pits of hell all because no one else really dares to step into these territories that teachers in Baltimore City step in.

At this point, like many first year teachers, we all feel inadequate. But who else are to teach these children? People may judge the qualifications of Teach for America Corps members, but I dare say that those who are judging are making the preconcieved notion that experienced teachers all want to teach in urban schools. No one else but TFA corps members and other programs want to teach in these areas because it is hard.

No one realizes that not only we do deal with the challeges of behavior problems, but we also deal with the challenges of late night planning, extended hours at home and school just to plan for our lessons the next day, unorganized materials and supplies. All this city needs is structure to it.

More money is spent on education in Baltimore City than suburban county schools. That begs the question, where is the leadership and infostructure to allocate the money properly? Where are the leaders to help organize urban schools.

After teaching for a mere 3 months, I can already see how a school district at the highest level of administration can definitely make a different in these schools. If you were to take all the leadership out of a school district, students in these schools would be running aimlessly as it is already.

there's so much to say, so little time to say. I have to get back to planning for all 3 of my classes. I teach 5 classes a day. 2 chemistry, 2 environmental science and 1 reading class. Yes, I am unqualified to teach a reading class. That is the nature of this job. Schools often do not have enough money to higher enough teachers so it is teachers like myself who want/handle the extra load. It's not like really want to handle the load. The less, the better, but at the same time, who else will teach these kids reading when no one else can or is already bogged down with 5 other classes to teach.

I'm so frustrated at the system. I'm so frustrated with my situation. There are days I want to quit. I spend late nights (till 2 aM) planning. I wake up at 5-6 AM daily. I get a max of 5 hours of sleep each night. Who says teaching is an easy job? I DARE someone say to me, "But you're teaching, how hard is that?!" Ha! if one only knew. I have respect for the most talented teachers out there who can handle this amount of work. Maybe suburban schools have it different. I have yet to sit down and compare the difference, though I have observed a suburban school in Oklahoma. Lets just say less problems happen in suburban schools than urban and rural schools.


Now I"m ranting. Time to head out. As my students likes to say in agreement, "Mr. Tsai, I gotch ya!"

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